26. Fear: What scares you a little? What do you feel when scared? How do you react?
Oh, God. Asking someone with anxiety to talk about fear is a risky business. What scares me a little doesn’t really come into it. I don’t really tend to do little fears. Here is a list of things that are scaring me at the moment:
- New job: Am I doing it right? Do people like me? What’s going to happen when I start my masters in September? Will they be annoyed with me for not telling them? Do I bug the girl who’s training me too much? Why do I feel ugly and nerdy next to everyone else? I have my one to one tomorrow, that’s terrifying. Will they be OK with how much overtime I did this weekend? Why am I so bad with people?
- That I’m turning into my mum: Don’t even want to get into that one right now.
- General: I’m not outgoing enough. I suck all the enjoyment out of everything by worrying about it. I should have more friends. I’m not living up to my full potential. I’m going to feel anxious forever. I’m not getting the most out of life. Which leads onto…
- The big one. Death.
What’s really good is that when I’m in a calm mood like this I can think of rational challenges to most of these things. I don’t believe them all the time which is a big step forward. But when I am feeling anxious they are my reality. I react in different ways; this past week I have been feeling really sick. And sort of silently frantic. And that there’s constantly something in my mouth that makes me feel choked that I can’t get rid of.
But, as I say, I’m doing so much better. In fact, if you look at how I used to be I’ve come in leaps and bounds. This time last year I didn’t have a job. I didn’t leave the house. I had panic attacks all day. I can’t believe that was just a year ago but it’s true. And I’m also noticing that I seem to end a lot of these anxiety posts with “…but actually I’m doing really well”. Which is awesome. I already live my life so differently than how I used to (even pre-anxiety). I always feel like I’m “getting there” or “on my way” to something, but a lot of controlling anxiety is about acceptance, so maybe I just need to accept where I am now, and how good it is. 🙂
(Featured image from MentalFloss)