31. The Professor: Write about a teacher that has influenced you.
One of my lecturers, Mariadele, was a force to be reckoned with. She had black curly hair in a very short bob, and always wore those gypsy style boots and a red coat. She was small and her accent (I think Italian) was cute but if this led anyone to think that she was a soft touch then they were sadly mistaken.She was fierce – and I don’t mean in the Rupaul sense. On our exam prep lecture everyone who hadn’t turned up all year arrived in the hopes of being able to get some tips to blag through the exam, she coolly informed them that it wasn’t going to help – they should have turned up all year. Boom.
I’d love to be like that when I (eventually) become a lecturer. I wouldn’t say she was especially well liked. Some people did, some people didn’t. But everyone respected her. And everyone knew that she knew her stuff. I’d love to be able to be so rooted in my own self-respect and my own knowledge that I am good at what I do that I wouldn’t care if people liked me or not.
I think I need to see my therapist again. I just feel so unhappy all the time. Good things happen like getting to do my masters and leaving my shit job for a job that seems like it will be better but they don’t really make any difference long term. I just go back to feeling bad or my mind just jumps to the next thing to worry about. Like today I handed in my notice to work which is something I’ve fantasised about doing for MONTHS, and I didn’t feel relieved or happy, my mind just immediately jumped to oh god I’ve got to organise a leaving do and oh god when to do it because my manager is leaving at the same time and I don’t know when she’s doing hers. And instead of feeling excited about my new job I just feel worried because I haven’t told them I’m starting my masters in September and I feel like they’ve employed me under false pretences and I keep worrying about it. I’m terrified of being told off by people and I’m worrying about being told off by someone I don’t even work for yet months from now. AND I’m worried because I got new contact lenses and I tested them for 2 weeks and it was fine but now they’re not and I’ve had so many issues with them in the past I’m worried they’ll think I’m lying/attention – seeking…again worried I’ll be shouted at.
Sorry I’ve missed the last two days of the writing challenge – things have been very busy! I’ve been accepted to do a Masters at Manchester University which is AMAZING, I’m so happy! I also have two job interviews lined up for this week so fingers crossed! I will have Day 17 ready for you tonight!
10. Friendship: Write about being friends with someone.
It’s weird looking back on the poem I wrote for you. It’s weird to think about who I thought I was. I don’t like her. In fact I hate her. She tried so hard to be the person she thought you wanted. But then you tried too. We created little moulds for ourselves, defined ourselves through our friendship, a friendship which fell apart as soon as we weren’t there to remind each other who we were supposed to be.
I was going to post the poem, but I just can’t. It’s too cringey, like seeing an old photo of yourself trying to be fashionable.
I don’t think I really do hate the version of myself that was friends with you. And the friendship wasn’t completely false. It was based on something true at the start, we just fucked it up. We were both so young. And I think that’s how I felt at the time too – when I was at uni it was genuinely the youngest I have ever felt. I always felt so much older than everyone around me. So, yes. You were good for the time. Good for being young. It actually says that in the poem. I don’t regret the friendship starting, but I don’t regret it ending either. I regret nothing. If you’re reading, I hope you remember this.
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